Assault on the Candy Dish...

I've been through this in the past. I get weighed the numbers are phenomenal and suddenly that chocolate bar might, just might be alright. Just maybe I could have one little bar of chocolate from the candy dish at work and not derail my diet.

So I get up from my desk, glancing around at everyone else hard at work and I slink up to the candy bowl. I spot my poison of choice and my hand darts quickly into the bowl, snatches out my prize which is quickly cupped into my hand, out of sight and quickly walk back to my desk., fantasizing the whole way back about how that sweet sensation will tantalize my taste buds. I plan how I will slowly let it melt on my tongue and savor every drop of it. Quietly I unwrap it so no one hears the crinkle of the wrapper. Ahhhhhh, I can smell it. It melts slight under the touch of my fingers, I can feel my heart racing as I lift the sweet treat to my lips, should I take a bite or just pop the whole thing in my mouth....I opt for the latter. Its in and its away, the sweet delicacy starts to melt nicely and I tell myself to just let it sit there but my tongue can't help but toss it around, assault it, trying to coerce every drop of flavor from it.

Just then...the unthinkable happens. the.phone.is.ringing. I must answer it but to answer it, I must clear my mouth so I can speak...oh the treasure to be savored will be forever lost to the the pit waiting below, churning in anticipation for the arrival of its beloved sweetness.

I mumble a "hello, this is Diana" and the person on the other end senses something is wrong

"Diana are you alright?" she asks. OH CRAP, I've been CAUGHT and she will know I've been eating chocolate. I quickly clear my throat and swallow down any remaining sweetness remaining on my tongue and I quickly put on the perky happy sunshine voice

"Oh I'm just fine, thanks for asking"

The caller proceeds and I'm only half listening as I plot my next sneak attack on the candy dish.....next time I take two, no THREE pieces so I can be sure to have my fair share from the dish and be sure that I get to savor at least ONE piece of chocolate without interruption. Okay I've made a fabulous decision, I will keep eating chocolate until I can eat one piece uninterrupted....oooooooo I hope the phone rings a lot today.

There you have it, self sabotaging mentality at its finest.

This was a real almost every day occurrence in my life. Just thinking about it and reliving it I can still smell that piece of chocolate if I try to. I can still remember the way it tastes on my tongue. Its obsessions like this, relationships like this that are hard to break. I'm happy to report that the candy dish and I have broken up. I am no longer controlled by it. I am no longer a slave to it. I am no longer obsessed with it. That my friend is progress in the right direction!

A New Low....Scale Day Came EARLY!!!

Well, Scale Day was going to be on Monday until hubby figured out that it was actually May 19th the last time I weighed and that was a Saturday so to be at exactly FOUR WEEKS between weigh ins at 11am he surprised me by putting the scale on the kitchen floor...

There it was, the precious hunk of metal and glass

Flashing....Err

Err

Err

It was reading ERROR just like it would if someone heavier than the 430 pounds max weight stepped on to the scale. My heart started pounding...remembering the day when my scale with a max weight of 325 started flashing ERR.....

I knew I couldn't get on the scale in the middle of the kitchen floor...no, the scale must be placed exactly in alignment with the tiles between the sink and the toilet in the bathroom just as it always was so that there is no chance of a fluke reading, no variation in the floor was going to give ME an inaccurate reading....

I snatched it up from the cold tile of the kitchen floor and cradled it in my arms holding it tightly to my chest like precious cargo, I could feel my heart pounding and sweat beginning to form on my brow.

I CAN'T do it I thought...scale day isn't until Monday. I need to wait...of course I was ripping off my clothes as I thought this.

There it was, right there on the floor. I reached out my right toe and gently gave it a tap in the center to turn it on....

00.0

it was ready for me.

I stepped forward, arms at my side, staring starting straight ahead at myself in the mirror. MY NAKED self....do I look thinner I thought? I knew if I looked down too soon it wouldn't have a reading....I waiting and then peeked down.. --- flashed, it still wasn't ready to give me the number. It seemed like minutes passed when in reality I know it was less than 10 seconds.

My head raced with thoughts, will it be less...will it be MORE? Will I have stayed the same....Why am I getting weighed the day after pizza day?????????????????????????? I MUST BE CRAZY....LOOK DOWN...JUST LOOK DOWN......LOOK DOWN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Okay...deep breath and arms at my side....

I looked down again and there it was, the results of my month of labor....10 pounds lost!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I'm at a weight now that I haven't seen in over 7 years. I had hoped for a bigger loss but you know what, 10 pounds is 2.5 pounds per week, healthy and safe weight loss.... FABULOUS and I'll take it!!

So now its time to say good bye to the scale until July 14th...I'll miss you my precious......

Watching Thin People...

Talking about taking control made me remember the Christmas party we went to two years ago for hubby’s work. We ended up assigned to a table with a woman everyone called Sergeant Major. She was in charge of the accounting department, retired military and very controlling and bossy. She was about 45 years old, 5’9” and thin and fit.

The food at this party was phenomenal. Appetizers of bite size Beef Wellington, puffed pastry filled with crab and cream cheese mixture, shrimp cocktail. For the buffet style main course dinner, a phenomenal salad with gorgonzola, toasted walnuts, mandarin orange, red onion and spring mix greens, I make this often. There was poached salmon, chicken breasts stuffed with sundried tomato, spinach and parmesan cheese, roasted pork, chicken picatta, beef in a merlot sauce. For side dishes, rosemary and citrus roasted potatoes, wild rice pilaf, a vegetable medley, glazed baby carrots, green beans with almonds and of course there were piping hot fresh rolls on every table with butter. For dessert there were pies, cookies, Belgian chocolates, chocolate turtle cake or cheesecake.

I indulged in at least two of each of the appetizers…just in case I didn’t like what would be offered for the main course. Then the buffet was present, I was so overwhelmed by choices I took a small portion of almost everything, as did most everyone else at our table. We passed the rolls and butter and endulged in a feast of feasts. When dessert was offered, hubby and I each picked a different dessert and shared.

The one thing I noticed during this meal is what Sergeant Major chose. She had one beef wellington appetizer, she had a portion of salad, steamed salmon, vegetable medley, green beans and about a ½ cup of rice. For desert she took one bite of cake and enjoyed conversation with everyone as she sipped her coffee sweetened with splenda.

This still stands out in my mind over two years later. Not the details of the food, I confess I looked them up on the country club’s website to refresh my memory on what was served. But I recalled exactly what she ate. What this tall thin, fit and healthy woman ate. To her this wasn’t a special occasion meant to indulge. To her it was eating to meet her nutritional needs and a bite of cake. She stands out in my mind as someone who isn’t controlled by food.

I’ve let food control me for so long I didn’t know there was another way. I grew up a family that used food to celebrate everything. I used food to celebrate when I was happy and I used food to console me when I felt down. Learning to let go of “using” food is the first step. I feel like I finally get it.

I feel like the story of “Sergeant Major” stuck in my mind for a reason. Food isn’t a reward it’s something we need to meet our bodies nutritional needs. This is something I’ve come to terms with. I know it, I get it. Now I have to hold on to it for dear life and never forget these lessons I’ve taken so many years to learn.

Circumstances Beyond My Control....

So often we hear people say “I had no control over the circumstances” and in certain cases that is absolutely true. But how true is it when it comes to food? How much control do we have over what the fork delivers to our mouth?

I’ve spent the last three weeks taking control of my eating by planning my breakfast and dinner for each day. Some believe you should plan breakfast lunch and dinner but I haven’t been doing that. I’ve been looking at what I had for breakfast and what I’ve planned for dinner, then looking at my allotted portions for the day and using those allotted portions to create something for lunch. I think this gives me flexibility to address cravings at lunch and it also gives me an opportunity to think on the go.

I have a list of fast food restaurants and what I can have at each place, yes its typically a salad but by deciding that ahead of time that you only have XYZ of portions left for the day it takes the guess work out of things and helps remove temptation….if you don’t have any starch allotments for lunch and you decided to use them anyhow, you must remove them from the dinner menu.

Today I was hungry and I wanted something for lunch. Hubby was making a tuna sandwich on toast and let me tell you, that toast smelled heavenly. I know I know, it’s only toast but the smell.... I had cereal for breakfast and I’m planning a turkey burger on a whole grain roll and oven fries for dinner, I don’t want to give that up so instead of eating the toast I looked at my allotted portions. 1 portion of meat, 2 portions of fat and of course veggies. I took ¼ of hubby’s can of tuna and mixed it with a small stock of chopped celery, 2 tablespoons of chopped Vidalia onion and 1 medium chopped tomato and put 1 tablespoon of light done right ranch dressing over it and mixed it together with a bit of fresh ground black pepper. It was delicious! I wouldn’t call it tuna salad because tuna wasn’t the main ingredient, tuna was an accent instead and that is just fine.

With a little creativity we can find ways to adapt and adjust to move with circumstances instead of letting circumstances take control.

Choose control instead of being controlled by circumstances

The Scale Junkie Takes Control

Hi my name is Diana and I'm a Scale Junkie. What is a scale junkie? A scale junkie is a dieter who is so obsessed with making the scale number move down to a lower number that they get on and off the scale many times a day waiting to see the perfect number. A scale junkie lets her moods be dictated by the scale. If the scale says a bad number we turn to food. If the scale says a good number we turn to food because hey, we need to reward ourselves right? WRONG!!!

This blog will document my journey to lose over 200 pounds and break the habits that caused my morbid obesity. I've already lost 56.5 pounds on my journey and I've started to break life long habits by learning to take control of what I eat and not be controlled by food.

Join me on this journey to find a healthier me!