You're Going The WRONG WAY!

I’ve read a few blogs lately where people are feeling discouraged and ready to quit. I’ve quit so many times that I really can’t preach and I certainly would never judge but I can encourage anyone thinking of quitting to reconsider, I’ve walked in your shoes so many times.

One of my many dieting attempts was with a diet doctor. I didn’t really like going but my older sister offered to pay for it if I’d go with her, so I did. It didn’t work out because I didn’t like taking pills so I gave up. She stayed on it and lost almost all of her weight. She looked fabulous so I decided to go back to the diet doctor and give it another try about 6 months later.

I will never forget for the rest of my life how this return visit felt. I felt like a failure, I didn’t want to walk through the doors; my sister went with me and pushed me into the doctor’s office. The nurse took my weight and blood pressure and I nervously waited for the doctor. So our conversation went a little something like this.

Dr: WOW You did GREAT!!

Me: I did? (for a brief moment I looked around for the trumpeting angels and almost heard the hallelujah music for surely a miracle must have occurred if he thought I did great and lost weight)

Dr: Except you went the WRONG WAY! Your weight is supposed to go down and not up (he said with a chuckle)

Like a pin stuck in a balloon, the trumpeting angels quickly disappeared, deflated and took my ego with them.

I don’t think I heard a word he said after that and I most certainly didn’t go back again.

I’ve gone the wrong way so many times I can’t even count. I’m talking about diets, not about the time I went down the one way street in Montreal because I forgot my French or the time in England where I forgot to drive on the other side of the road, I can still hear those people shouting at me, those were valuable lessons too, just not applicable here.

October was a rough month, my weight bounced around a lot and I came out of it 2 pounds heavier than I went into it but I didn’t quit. This is a huge turning point for me. I’ve spent so much time thinking about where I want to be, where I’m going and the path that I’m on. I’ve told so many people that we all have to walk our own paths as far as the diet we chose. You have to pick something that will work long term for you. At this point, I know what doesn’t work for me. Now I’m trying to determine what does work for me and slowly, oh so slowly, it’s starting to come together. Part of finding the path was remembering those words from the Doctor “You went the wrong way” Now with the proper perspective, his words don’t feel defeating, they feel empowering. He was right; I was going the wrong way!

Yes, he was referring to the scale but it also refers to eating. Sometimes we go the wrong way and sometimes it’s really difficult to find our way back to our path. We feel lost. We wander around aimlessly trying to find the way only to walk in circles and end up right back where we started or worse.

So how do you stay on your path, how do you keep from going the wrong way? That’s the part I’m still working on. So far blogging, having the support of all of you, planning my meals, tracking my calories, exercise and having a good support system at home have been the keys to my success. I couldn’t ask for a more powerful guidance system.

I know that I’m the only one who can control what the fork/fingers deliver to my mouth. I know that it’s up to me to drag my ass off the sofa and walk/jog around the neighborhood. I know that ultimately it’s up to me to make sure that I’m going the right way. But this time, I have a map, compass and GPS navigation. Yeah, I’m going the right way this time.

Week 1 Boot Camp Results

Boot camp started last Monday. Okay so its not real boot camp but its as close to boot camp as my morbidly obese self can take.

So weight loss results for boot camp week 1:

7 pounds down!!

I'm working on my website and trying to decide how to best go about it. I really like using blogger but I have more stuff to share so I'm going to be changing up my site a little bit in the coming weeks.

Thank you everyone who commented or emailed about my October header! I had so much fun doing it that I've already made a header for November and started one for December!

Below is boring reading so you can just stop right here if you want. I just wanted a record of my week 1 activity and progress so I've outlined it below. Where I mention biggest loser book, I didn't do all of the exercises in one day but rather broke them up over several days. In the future I'll do them every other day.

Calories were between 1800 to 2100 a day

Monday:
1 Mile Walk Away The Pounds (WATP)
10 minutes exercise bike
1 Mile Neighborhood walk

Tuesday:
1 Mile WATP
10 minutes exercise bike
1 Mile WALP

Wednesday:
1 Mile WATP
Strength Training from Biggest Loser book
1 Mile WATP

Thursday
1 Mile WATP
Strength Training from Biggest Loser book
1 Mile WATP

Friday:
1 Mile WATP
Strength Training from Biggest Loser book
1 Mile Neighborhood Walk (the rain finally stopped!!)

Saturday
1 Mile WATP
Lots of intense house cleaning
1 Mile Neighborhood Walk

Sunday
1 Mile WATP
1 Mile Neighborhood Walk

I'm already feeling a lot stronger and I feel like I'm back on track and staying on track! Thank you for all of your kind words of support. It means so much.

Time

I’ve spent some time looking at the past, more specifically my dieting patterns of the past. It wasn’t so much the New Years Resolution mentality that diets started on January first as much as it was my interpretation of “The Holiday Season” that seemed to be my downfall.

In January we start a diet and we are M-O-T-I-V-A-T-E-D! All over the news and everywhere you go people are talking about fitness and dieting. There are challenges and dieting message boards are filled with new hopefuls. January bliss is upon us!

February rolls around and we have several ways to go. HIGH GEAR full speed ahead nothing is going to stop me now…or maybe we might have the Valentines day distraction. The Valentines day distraction is caused by a loved one giving us chocolate or wanting to take us out for a special dinner. There is also the Valentines Day depression caused by lack of a special someone bearing candy and dinner reservations.

Onward to March and we are staying strong, we have three solid months until summer and the dreaded swimsuit season, its now or never…oh why the hell didn’t I say on my diet in January??

April brings chocolate bunnies, jelly beans and of course my favorite, the Reese’s peanut butter egg which has mutated over the years into hearts, pumpkins and Christmas trees so there are very few months where I need to be without the full hit of deliriously delish combo of chocolate and peanut butter .Mr Reeses if you are reading this, please don’t take this as a product endorsement and please don’t send me a lifetime supply of your product….really, its ok, you don’t have to email me at scalejunkie at gmail dot com for my address really you don’t.

May is the last shot at summer swim suit season, seriously you need to forget about food for the month of May if you have any hope of salvaging your summer vacation. Unless its not too late to change the reservations from the beach house to a vacation down under in Australia where its winter in the summer and you can hide under your fuzzy sweaters. Forget that! There is no way my fat ass is sitting in a plane seat for 18 hours. Oh why the hell didn’t I stay on my diet in January?

June rolls around and you think about starting a new diet but that big Fourth of July BBQ is right around the corner and I’m going to be eating lots of hotdogs, hamburgers, apple pie and potato salad that day so I will have blown my diet anyway so why bother right?

July comes around and we get past the 4^th of July BBQ and managed to salvage 27 good days out of July.

August is wonderful and we keep working hard until we start to feel the end of summer blues coming. Perhaps we should plan an end of summer BBQ because who knows when we will get a chance to make all of our summer favorites again? OH why the hell didn’t I stay on my diet in January?

In September, we have Labor Day more end of summer BBQ’s and since I’ve already cheated my way through the year, why bother getting back on plan now?

October is just around the corner and my birthday happens to be in October and now my anniversary is also in October and of course we end October with the crowning glory of the candy industry and I buy many bags of candy for Trick-or-Treat night and when I decorate the front yard for Halloween I find that sweet Mr Pumpkin Head that holds the candy and I open those bags and fill it full. Shouldn’t I be dieting in between the holidays? Oh why bother, you are just going to cheat in a few days or next week anyhow when the special occasion comes along and really my birthday IS SPECIAL and should be celebrated for a whole week, no make that a MONTH!! About a week before Halloween I notice the previously full pumpkin is looking a little bit emptier and not wanting to run out of candy for the little darlings, I rush back to the store and buy four more bags because after all they are buy one get one free.

November rolls around and only 20 kids showed up to get their treats and I’m left with a pumpkin full of candy and my sweet skinny husband says “OH don’t worry, I’ll eat it all” as he takes the pumpkin from my hands and takes it to his office desk. Thanksgiving is just around the corner and I really need to get the house cleaned for guests and as I’m dusting his office I see Mr Pumpkin Head on his desk, there weren’t cobwebs on it before!! , the candy barely touched and I think “I can’t let this go to waste” and I start munching but its okay because I’m doing all of this cleaning and I’m burning extra calories.

Ahh December, the glorious round of Christmas parties and winter festivals. Hubby has a birthday this month too so another good reason to celebrate. Every single weekend there is something going on, and my head is filled with the deliciously delirious buzz from wonderful food, candy from all over the world and cookies and cakes. Who can diet with all of this glorious food around? I’m exhausted from shopping, going to parties and planning Christmas dinner. I NEED nourishment and I need LOTS of it!!

Then December 26^th comes along and I look at photos and reflect on the past year. I’m still the same weight I was last year or worse….heavier and I kick myself for being weak and ask myself “OH why the hell didn’t I stay on my diet last January?” I tell myself that next year its going to be different. Next year I’m going to be “good” and I’m not going to “cheat” and next year I’m going to look great in those Christmas photos. Oh next year. The phone rings, brunch on New Years Day? Of course we can make it!! And so the cycle begins again.

So now here I am in October the holy sacred month of my birth and I’m not having a month long party? Excuse me, has the tiara lost its dazzling sparkle and slipped from my head? Doesn’t anyone notice the sun rising and setting around me? What the hell is going on??

I suppose that in the past giving in to my desire to eat, drink and be merry was acceptable. It was okay for me to be selfish and think only of myself. At some point I’ve had a dawning or awakening because I’ve finally accepted the fact that I am NOT on a diet. My husband loves me dearly and so do many family members and friends. This is truly a lifestyle change for me. Yes there are days in most months where I may enjoy a special meal or celebrate with family and friends. That does not give me carte blanche to eat with abandon the rest of the month.

Welcome to the rest of my life, hold on tight….its going to be a wonderful ride!

What would your GOAL shirt say?!

Becky posted this as a comment on one of my posts in reference to this weeks Biggest Loser episode where they received their GOAL shirts. She wrote: What would your GOAL shirt say? I am still thinking about mine and once I have it I am going to dedicate an entire post on it and what it means to me! Just another motivational tactic!

So I gave it some thought and went through all of the reasons why I really want to lose weight and while better health is at the top of my list there is more to it than that. I want to walk into shops and buy pretty clothes that actually FIT but more importantly I want to buy them because they look great on me and I like them, not only because they fit. I want to walk into restaurants and not worry if I'll fit in the chair. I want to fly on a plane with comfort and not stress about "spilling over" into the next seat. I want to go to amusement parks and ride on rides. I want to walk into job interviews and feel confident that they are noticing my skills and not just my weight. Yes I really want to be healthy and grow old with my husband, but I also want to feel good when I do it. I don’t want to live to be 90 if I have to take 30 pills a day, be on oxygen and drive around in a scooter from the age of 60…which is where I was headed if I didn’t make these changes. I want to live life to the fullest and enjoy every moment

So after much thought and consideration, my GOAL shirt would say:

To LIVE instead of exist

Now its your turn....dedicate a post to what your GOAL shirt would say. And be sure to leave it in my comments too! I want to hear all of your GOAL's!!!

Those Five Evil Little Words

I've been in a funk and haven't posted much the past few days. I wanted to keep my blog active so I've posted pictures of my dogs (they are so darn cute aren't they) and a few recipes because I was feeling like I didn't have anything useful to say...well look out and get a cuppa coffee because this is a very long post ahead....I'm making up for lost time here!

My sister wanted to take hubby and I out to dinner. No special occasion but she wanted to go out to dinner and didn't want to go alone. She wanted to try a new restaurant and when she told us on Friday to eat breakfast only on Saturday and no snacking. I should have known what was coming and when we pulled up outside, I should have demanded we keep driving but she had her heart set on it and for GODS SAKE she had a COUPON!! How could we not go there and try it?

Yes, it was one of those places...the all you can eat Chinese American buffet. They had quite a variety of foods and my husband does love the variety you get at a buffet however when we go with my sister and she is paying she always insists we "get our monies worth" We obeyed her order to "eat only breakfast" and then the ensuing feast began.

And as I sit here typing this list, I can feel my fat fingers begin to swell, soon they will resemble sausages and I'm not talking the skinny breakfast sausage either, I'm talking big fat Italian sausages. The sodium levels I consumed...UGH!!

For reference, I should compare what I ate to what my "naturally thin" husband ate.

Him: Stuffed Clam Shell, Mussels, baked salmon, sushi, veggies, a plate of fruit with jello and pudding - 4 trips to the buffet

Me: A plate of crab legs, a plate of several batter dipped, fried and drown in sauce delicacies of chicken and shrimp and snow peas drowning in an oily sauce, a plate of Mongolian beef stir fry on fried rice and 1 bowl mint chocolate chip ice cream with chocolate sauce - 4 trips to the buffet

My four trips to the buffet probably had TRIPLE the calories of his four trips yet we were both equally stuffed!!

Its painfully obvious to me that my habits haven't changed so I look for their origins in an attempt to change. When faced with a forced eating situation I obey like a good girl. When we were kids Mum and Dad would always say "clean your plate" or Dads favorite was "first one done, gets to help the others" Somehow that saying never worked on liver and onions night.... but anyhow....So looking back and my rushed forced feedings I begin to get a clearer picture of why I hate the All You Can Eat Buffet.

Cleaning your plate = good girl
Leaving food uneaten = bad girl

So when faced with an overwhelmingly full room of row after row of steaming food in an all you can eat buffet situation, I'm hearing those nagging voices saying "eat and clean your plate, and be quick about it and eat some more (help the others)" Honestly when I see all of that food, it kind of puts my stomach into a churning motion because I'm overwhelmed by the amount of food and while I know the owners of the buffet certainly don't want or expect me to eat every last bite, the "good girl" inside of me feels like she should do her part and eat and eat and eat. Its so painfully overwhelming. I felt the stress and anxiety levels build up inside of me and how did I quiet those feelings? The way I always quiet stress and anxiety....By eating MORE!! Its a viscious, viscous circle that I need to come to grips with.

On the way out of the restaurant, there was a woman who was about 50 to 55 years old. She was probably about 330 pounds and in motorized chair with oxygen. They were sitting there when we walked in and when we left they were still there eating. So with my extremely full and bloated belly, I left the restaurant with renewed motivation. I look at her and I see myself...if I'm one of the "lucky ones" If I live to be that age. But I don't want to be in a motorized chair with oxygen. I want to be mobile and healthy.

Over the past few weeks I've been feeling old. Grey hairs have been showing quicker and I can't keep up with the Loreal quick enough. I'm going to turn 41 in October and I can feel time slipping away. I've missed my chance to have children. I don't feel like I've done anything significantly important with my life. People who have children have a legacy to leave behind, even if they do nothing great, their children or grandchildren might do something great. Because of my weight I was never able to get pregnant. Now because of my health, even if I lost enough weight to get pregnant my age and health wouldn't be conducive to a healthy pregnancy. So I must make the best of what I have.

From this day forward I'm determined to live my life....in reverse.

Why in reverse? Because walking around, carrying all of this extra weight has taken its toll on my body. There are so many things I'm unable to do. If I continue on this path of self destruction, it will only get worse. Walking will only become more difficult. Breathing will become more difficult. The diseases that await me aren't pretty. Heart Disease, Diabetes and its complications, Cancer?? What about aching bones and the damage carrying all of this weight is doing to my joints?

If I don't change today, tomorrow will be a little worse and every day after today will be a little worse until I find myself in a hospital bed begging for just one more chance and finding out I'm out of chances. So by living my life in reverse, I'm going to make every day a little better instead of a little worse. One step at a time, I'm going to reclaim my health. Starting right now, starting at this very moment

Connection between Mood and Food

Emotional eating has been at the forefront of my mind over the past few days. I know that I need to get a handle on the reasons why I over eat. I use food as a drug so I need to approach this like an addict would approach rehab or recovery and make a plan.

I’ve started carrying a small notebook with me and when I eat or feel the urge to eat something I’m trying to stop and note any feelings…

• Habit?
• Boredom?
• Stress?

More often than not, my urges to eat fall into the stress category. It’s been shown that certain foods release feel good chemicals into your body so in a sense, I’m using food to numb my stress or take the edge off my stress. I’ve heard my sister who is a recovering drug addict use these same terms.

So for the next few weeks I’m going to:

1. Learn to recognize true hunger. Am I really hungry or am I bored, stressed or eating out of habit? Food is a fuel to feed our bodies and I have to learn to use food as a fuel only.
   
2. Plan my menus a week in advance. I’m going to put together well balanced nutritious meal plans to meet my bodies requirements. I’ll use FitDay to make sure I’m hitting the calorie targets I’ve set. If I find myself craving something during the week, I’ll add it to the following week’s menu. Nothing is off limits but everything must be consumed in moderation to best fuel my body. If I eat something for lunch that wasn't planned or over eat, then I'll have to deduct it from dinner. Worst case senario, I end up eating a huge veggie salad with low calorie dressing because I spent my calories on breakfast or lunch.
   
3. Use my notebook! I’m going to try to track my triggers so I can learn to deal with them.
   
4. Purge my home of unhealthy foods. If it’s something I don’t want to eat that hubby likes, its going in the garage refrigerator so it’s out of my sight and out of my mind. I’ll stock healthy snacks so I have good choices.
   
5. Find other ways to deal with my stress. If the urge to eat hits I’ll paint my toes, walk the dogs, play catch with the dogs, read a good book or check out one of the fabulous blogs I’ve found over the past few weeks…Thanks Ladies for being there with me through this journey.
   
6. Focus on the positive. The past is the past. Its time to live in the here and now. Change my attitude, change my life!
   
7. EXERCISE!! I was walking 1.5 to 2 miles a day until the weather turned too hot for the dogs to walk that much in the heat. There is no reason why I can’t take them on a ¾ to 1 mile walk and then pop in Walk Away The Pounds or a Yoga DVD.

So there you have it, my goals to conquer this viscous cycle of emotional eating. I don’t expect it to be easy. I know there will be times when I have moments of discovery and I relive painful times that have led me here. I know I’ll have to read my list and focus on it every day. I also know I’ll have lots of wonderful support from my fellow bloggers along the way!