A letter to my body...

Suzanne Reismann at BlogHer has created, A Letter to My Body. The idea is blog a letter to your body and then post a link using Mister Linky.

I'll be honest, I only read Suzanne's letter, I wanted to save reading other letters until after I wrote my own so I'm really looking forward to seeing what other people wrote. It wasn't easy to write this letter but once I started, the words just started flowing and the emotions came out. I was going to go back and edit because like so many of my post, its a bit long winded but I thought maybe its better to just be honest and open and let it stay as is. So before I change my mind, here it is:

Dear body,

Recently I’ve started taking care of you and it’s only now that I realize just how much I’ve neglected you in the past. So before I make another complaint about your imperfections let me apologize for the years of abuse.

A lot of traumatic things happened to you over the years and I turned to food to numb the pain. While it was quite effective, I’m sorry it took so long for me to realize what I was doing and how much it hurt you. I’ve blamed you for holding extra fat but you were just doing the best you could with what I was giving you. For years I’ve complained about how you’ve looked, for years I’ve pushed you beyond your limits and for years I’ve hated you. I’ve complained that your bones were too big, your feet were too big, your muscles too weak and your eyes too imperfect. I complained when you couldn’t fit into the clothes I wanted to wear. I complained when you couldn’t fit into seats in places I wanted to go but I realize now that all of that was my fault. I did this to you.

I know I’ve made so many empty promises to you in the past. I’ve promised to care for you. I’ve vowed to change so many times. I’ve poisoned you with excessive sugar, fat and alcohol. I’ve let you stay idle when all you wanted was to get up and walk around the block.

When I was so sick with bronchitis and you were begging me to stop smoking, it took you coughing and blowing out the lighter every time I tried to light another cigarette for five minutes straight before I got the message and quit. I can be so stubborn and childish but you just keep taking this abuse, slowly breaking down, slowly deteriorating.

When Dad died and I made you squish into that tiny airplane seat to go to his funeral. There were bruises on the hips for days. Thankfully flying home we were sat next to that skinny woman who put the arm rest up. I vowed it would be the last time you had to squeeze into a plane seat, but it wasn’t.

When I cried because I couldn’t find a pretty dress to wear for that snotty cousins wedding, I swore that I’d look fantastic for the next one, but instead I made excuses and hated you for being so big and lumpy.

When people made fun of you, I vowed I’d lose weight and make them eat their words, I didn’t. I cried and ate more food and gained more weight. Their words made me hate you more when really I should have been hating me. I should have been taking action to take care of you.

How I cried when there were no cute shoes in our size. When the salesman suggested tennis shoes would be the only thing to fit “those feet” when we were looking for shoes to go with a dress? What a jerk! I know we called it an involuntary reflex but good job kicking him in the shin!

When Mom died…ok, I you don’t want to talk about when Mom died but I know I made a lot of promises then. I know I swore I’d take better care of our heart and I know I’ve let you down. I never said thank you for the way you held my body strong when the ER doctors said she was very sick and said she shouldn’t have been traveling. I know a lot of people still blame us but it’s not our fault she died, she wanted to be there for us. I know you weren’t looking forward to wearing that itchy and hot wedding gown the next day but you would have looked beautiful in it. When she died that night and we left the hospital and Sher finally called us back, you stayed strong. I never said thank you voice and mouth for speaking clearly and telling Sher those impossible words that night. I promised you things would get better, but they didn’t. I know I’ve let you down time and time again with my empty promises.

So are we beginning to see a pattern here?

I don’t listen to you until you scream at me in pain and beg me to stop. But as soon as I feel better, I just jump right back into the old habits until it happens again and I hurt you all over again. I still don’t know why I do it but I’m really working on fixing things this time. I’m eating healthier foods; I’m blogging about my experiences and meeting others who are going through what I’m going through, what we’re going through. I’ve learned that no matter what I think I see on the outside, you are special. You are beautiful and I’m learning to look at myself through the eyes of others and see the beauty too. I’m reading books about how I can learn to stop abusing you and let you heal, mind, body and spirit.

I know that I’m running out of second chances and that if I don’t keep this commitment to taking care of you, eventually I’ll find myself in a hospital bed begging for just one more second chance only to realize I’m out of second chances and it’s too late for us…… are you crying? Please stop. Eyes, I don’t want you to cry. I never wanted to hurt you. I’m sorry, I’m so very sorry. We are in this together; we will get through this together.

From here on, I vow to be kinder to you. To fuel you with nutritious foods and to make sure you get plenty of exercise and proper care. I’ll make time for rest and relaxation. I’ll make sure I pamper those beautiful big feet because we need them to carry them on this journey and let’s face it, this life is going to be a long wonderful journey!

You are beautiful. You carry me with such grace and elegance. Your arms wrap so perfectly around that wonderful man we married. You snuggle up so nicely against him at night, he makes a great bed warmer doesn’t he? Ok, so he does snore a little bit but really, its like sweet music sometimes isn’t it? Who knew we could ever love someone or be loved by someone so much?

Like it or not we are stuck with each other. I just want to say thank you for all that you’ve done for me, for keeping me warm and cushioned, for keeping the blood flowing and the heart beating. You’ve healed me on the outside when I hurt you and you’re willing to try to heal on the inside now. This time my sweet body, I will cherish you and treat you like the temple that you are.

We are walking every single day now and we jog sometimes too. I know, the whole jogging thing is so new and it still freaks me out too. Six months ago if a massive human eating alien was attacking earth you would have been one of the first ones snatched up and eaten but now you are jogging, hey we would stand a chance against that big alien! Yes we watch way too much Sci-Fi now that he’s around but those new shoes are great aren’t they and he does encourage us to walk every day. Maybe from now on I can look at you through his eyes. He has seen you naked many times and has never run screaming from the room, so maybe it’s not all that bad after all?

Look at how radiant our skin is now that I’m drinking so much water and eating better, it really is beautiful. I’m really beginning to see some definition in the legs too, those muscles are awesome! I’m so proud of my curves. I don’t want to be a skinny girl. I want to be a curvy girl, but a fit and healthy curvy girl, not a morbidly obese curvy girl and thats what we are going to be. You glow! From your beautiful shiny hair, right down to the tips of your toes and I vow to love and appreciate every inch of you from now on.

I promise to listen to you too, I won’t make you scream at me. I know how much stress that causes and stress is our enemy right now. You send me a signal, I’ll listen. We are a team, we are in this together. I know I’ve said some pretty terrible things about you in the past but I’m glad you’re mine, from this day forth, we will be kind and loving to each other. We are a good match.

Lots of Love,

Diana

P.S. Feet, I’m sorry about those ridiculously small high heel shoes I made you wear when we were in college.